So. Its the second day of March. It's only 11 minutes into it, as of right now. I was reading some poems, and some past things and it just got me to thinking. And then it got me hurting. And then to crying. I realized, that sometimes I get lost. Actually, I get lost a lot. Like not necessarily physically. But emotionally and mentally. I've noticed that sometimes I will be talking to my friends or be a part of a group conversation, and I will endup staring off and not paying attention. Then theres always the "Wait, what?" I dont know why I do this.. Well actually. I do. Six months ago when I went through all that crap, I changed. I changed more than anyone around me will ever even fathom to know. My friends will never understand me again, if they even did before. And I fear that I will be losing them all soon. I talk to a fraction of the people that I did 7 months ago. And the one person that was my go-to best friend, is now someone that I am unsure of how to talk to. Her and I used to talk on IM forever, and there would be conversation upon conversation. Now, its an uneasy, unsure type of messaging. Oh, and to top it off, I never see her at school. I know my mom told me that this friend and I werent going to be friends anymore because of what happened, but I tried so hard to make that not true. I found ways to talk to her. But now... I just dont understandwhat is wrong with me. I mean I have had thoughts and dreams of peculiar, heart-wrenching things. Sometimes I think that I wanna move far away for college just to get away from everyone. Forever. And then othertimes I think I am going to drop out of school all together. I dont see the point. There are times where I want to just die. And I know that that is a horrible thought, but I dont know why I am here. I have no one I can talk to. Even when certain friends tell me that I can talk to them, I just cant bring myself to do it. Im a worthless person for someone to waste there time on. Like this one awesome friend. They're funny, sweet, and one of the most trustworthy, dependable people I know. This person told me very recently that if I ever need to talk that they would be there for me. And Every time I really wanna talk or need to. I just think, "I dont need to burden them with my frivolous junk." And then I will come home and cry myself to sleep. No one in my life knows what I go through every single day. But that does not give me the right to burden or hurt my friends. They are amazing people. They are the ones that I have turned to once before when I was in deep pain. I just cant make myself do it again. I'm better off just letting everyone believe I am doing ok. That what happened is just a thing of the past. That I am strong. And no one will know what happens after my bedroom door is shut.. I have no reason to tell them, I guess. I mean there are somethings that I could tell them that would probably confuse them to the point that they would think I was someone they have never met. I've done something that one person knows about, and that I will see forever. I've been put through things that I wont ever try to explain because I cant bear it.
Just keep swimming?
The last thing that I am going to say.
Whoever decides to read this. Do not spread one word of it to anyone. Do not try to talk me into telling anything. Do not think I am suicidal. Iwont take my life, or the lives of others. I justneeded to spill some stuff so I didnt explode.
I am sorry to those I should be sorry to. I know who those people are.
And finally, if anyone is to bring this up when talking face to face with me, I will completely ignore and change the subject.

Toodles.

Cecelia™